I AM VOLTA

The New Year: My Last Maybe.

2011-01-11T02:10:00.000-08:00

The longer I breathe, the more it kills me to do so.
Everyday is a battle against myself.
And everyday the sliver of hope in me grows weary and thin.
I've no longer faith in myself.
I am broken, far beyond where I've gone before this.
I despise myself, for not being able to mean something to anyone.
All I see in myself is failure and the pathetic shadow of my former self.
And I no longer see myself meaningful to her.
Yet every time, I feel like letting it all up, there's always something.

Just when I'm about to lose everything, she tells me to have faith.
When you told me that you have faith in me, I cried.
Why?
I just can't see it anymore.
If I can't be what I'm supposed to be, then all I will be is poison to you.
Yet, even then you'd tell me you love me.
That you need me.

Whenever I need your hand to hold to, I could only grab onto nothing except my own heart that's tearing itself up.
Whenever I want to say "I love you", I could only be quiet and wish I wasn't there with you.
Whenever I feel like leaving you, the thought of abandoning you is even worse than suicide.
Whenever I want to brace you in my arms, I could only shrug and pretend that you're not even there.

So what am I supposed to do.

I don't expect you to read this.
And I don't want you to, but I just hope you would.
I'm sorry.

Sorry but regretless.

2010-12-20T07:01:00.000-08:00

I know, but that's it.
I realize that I've done things that may have hurt somebody.
And to have done it with my conscience screaming in me at that time, I'm sorry, truly I am.

But, sorry as I am, regretting is not the same.
I can never regret what i did; I can't say no to my heart.
I can't change how I feel, and neither can I control it.

I have no excuse for what I did. My actions are the results of what has been done upon me.
I don't want to blame; everyone knows their own repercussions of their own actions.

As much as I don't want to hold a grudge against you.
I guess I'm still not over the past.
I can smile, laugh, and be crazy as hell wants me to, but there's not a even single day where I went without thinking of that.

Everyday is like waking up to the same old nightmare.
Every morning I'd have to check myself whether I'm breathing or not.
Every time thoughts of that time comes, I feel like ripping off my mind from my body.
And every moment i spend feeling like this, I want to kill myself even more.

But even though i feel like this, there's not even a single thing I can do but just give up.
Even though you are not my best friend, a friend is still a friend; I should respect that.
I hope if you are reading this, I'm not asking for your forgiveness, but rather your understanding.
This post is meant to clarify things about me and what I've done but by no means of to justify my actions.
I'm sorry.

Burnin' August

2010-07-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's time to burn.

There's been through much confusion. Too much pain.
But not even one of 'em ties me to any regret or even remorse.
What has been done all this while.... will burn.
I'll burn the pain away.

There's been enough shunning, self-disguise.
Continuing will only wound the scar deeper.
But these scars that haunt..... will burn.
I'll burn the scars and masks away.

There's much work to be done. And little time.
No matter how fast, time doesn't stand still.
But all that's left to be done.... will burn.
Even time will be burnt still.

The time of the burning has come.
Those that stand in the way shall set ablaze.
Let the flames begin.

It's time to burn.

Burnin August [Intrological]

2010-07-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Nice new post title eh after so long. Hahahahaha your semi-schizo is back to fuck u readers up(and myself as well). What new? Nothin. Same old? Not really. Well, i've no idea. Be my guess to judge me, for thy shall heed no man's judgement. Ok, maybe I'll bow down to the opposing sex, but hey, at least they're appealing. Wait. I'm starting to wanderoff again. Fuck.

At last, after so long, i'd finally gotten myself some break; from school, from the city, from the stupid community that i live with, and yeah, from my own friends. Dang I need my bloody space back. As you can see, i'd been off this site for like more than 6 months. And let me tell you, after that long of not expressing self crapiness and the never-ending ideas of idiocracy for so long, it ain't a very pretty sight. In other words, I had almost lost my mind while trying trying to keep it together. Not to mention with all those utterly alien voices in my head. No, not alien voices, but familiar voices that sound so alien. It's as if I'm in some Stephen King's horror alien movie or what shit. Or maybe all this is just me. NAH, that can't be it.

People, on the other hand, they never fail to amuse me from ALL sorts of angle they POSSIBLY could. I might sound delusionally over-reacting at the moment, but there are worser things that this. Living in a community is a pain, fun or even bizarring from time to time. The point you can share anything with the commune is great; the fact that you almost can't hide anything from them is unnervingly annoying. You can never show who you really are in a community where YOU are the minority; or in other words the freak or even outcast. Logically, "Just be who you are" should work just fine, but apparently not on all occasions. Such as the case of mine. Revealing oneself at the wrong place only invites imminent danger and unwanted attention. Probably, if not of those from peer friends or the faculty, but rather from those of parents. Parents, no matter how hard you try to justify your actions to them, will also not falter in their pursuit of justifying their own beliefs unto their children; it's only natural, that they only want what's best for their child.

I, have no wish at all to oppose those of my elders, nor do I have the desire to take up the paths that they once went down. All i wish to be is what i already am, what i will be, and what i want to become. I may have not strong religious faith; I'll always admire for those who does; but with my own faith, I'll always know of what's just and what's not. With my own faith, I'll make judgements, choices, and take paths towards the future that I've always dreamt of. Fuck, now I'm really going all saint-ish all holy-ish. Crap. Gotta stop takin' that shit in the middle of the nite.

Lighter. Now. Alive.

2009-11-13T01:05:00.000-08:00

After a long while, i feel like i can finally breathe again. XD

Trying.

2009-11-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

To this day, i still ask myself; what does it mean to be a friend?
And to this day very still, i still can't answer that.

According to my own logic, i should always be wary of friends need and wishes.
But, to what extent? To what extent also should i be selfish?
Should i always never display my needs, merely following what they want?

I know that's not it, but how then? How do you differentiate selfishness and just being urself?
Is there even a difference?

This very instillment causes me so much confusion, to me and my self belief.
I know that I'm very ego-istical and hard headed, and i believe in being like that.
But yet, im not unfamiliar towards the idea of "change". Yes, i do believe in changing for the better, but is it worth it to lose my self in the process of it?

No, i'll not change when im sweet talked to or advised to.
In fact, maybe i won't change at all, but it doesn't mean I'll stay the same.

2009-11-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i wonder what is it really that u want.
And sometimes, it becomes every time.
And every time, it'll only leave me speechless and confused.
And confused, cold words tend to be spoken.
And spoken, hurt will be more wounded.
And wounded, none more can be said.

U won't let me get close to u, yet u keep me close at bay. What am i supposed to do?
U know me more than u can admit, yet u ask me these things. What am i supposed to say?
U want me forget u, but u only make it complicated. How am i supposed to forget?
U deny the only thing that i want to be for u, then what am i supposed to be?
U want me to move on, yet u keep reminding me. What then?

Come and go.

2009-10-26T04:55:00.000-07:00

My life is full of things that aren't permanent.
They just come and go, as they wish and will.
No matter how hard i try, it'll only be a matter of time before the depart.

I'm not really speaking specifically about a thing or a person; generally everything has been like that. From gifts, like my MP3 or PS2, or even my drum sticks, to women; as hard (or as easy) as they appear in my insignificant life, they'll just vanish like that eventually.

I thought i had one thing/person now that stays; one that doesn't even make my mind change.
One that i thought was real, and not just me daydreaming about.
One that makes up for my sleepless nights.
One that makes me doubt my self belief.
One that i thought that was the one.
But i guess it came up just short of real huh. Tch.

The only thing that is permanent in my life is just, well, the voices inside. And of course, the music. These are the only two things that never change, thorughout my life, they have always been true. As annoying as the voices get, yet, they are the ones accompanying me whenever I'm alone. As for the music, they always keep me in the mood, or sane for that matter. The right kind of music usually appears at the right moment; which is somehow creepily eerie.

Friends? Yea, sure lots of em. Good ones, too.
Family? Heck, love em like hell.
Dream? Everyday i wanna be a wannabe.
Lovers? As usual, I'm a problematic one.

But yet, everything feels as if they're not really there.
I mean they're there but, well, nothing seems to be sticking in its place nowadays.

Signing off,
Pissed-off-and-Tired Voice.

FISH.....

2009-10-26T03:31:00.000-07:00

Huh.
My life is prctically impossible without problems appearing one after the other.
Doesnt have to be the same one; nor does it have to be a big deal or no deal, it'll definitely yank back my smile upside down.
DANG. I'm tired of this.

ABSOLUTION. REDEMPTION. AND A SECOND CHANCE PERHAPS.

2009-09-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Shit.
That's the word that has been repeatedly replaying in my mind over and over again without any mercy. Not to mention other profanities, but this one particular word is sufficient to sum it all up.

So bad, that I'm writing this friggin' thing.
So bad, that it hurts every time i try to think or even remember.
So bad, that not even a minute passes by without having flashbacks.
So bad, that I've become paranoid over the phone. Not to mention the net.
So bad, that I dunno whether the voices in my mind are even sane.
So bad, that it breaks me into pieces every time it reminds me.

I wished that night didn't even existed in the place.
I wished I had gone back early.
I wished that my fingers hadn't that itchy.
I wished my phone was dead.
I wished there would've been more people around.

But all this wishes, are just excuses.
The fact that I WANTED to be there that night didn't change.
The fact that I ENJOYED that presence.
The fact that I wanted for ALL of this to happen.
The fact that I ended the night WRONGFULLY.
The fact that I CHICKENED out from the oppurtunity.

So after this holiday, I'm gonna do it.
I won't hold it anymore because i can't stand the regression of not doing anything rather regretting on doing something.
I will fulfill the promise that I made to myself a long time ago.
I don't care whatever happens to me in the future, cause sooner or later, I'll be DAMNED anyways.

Fuck the consequences and all that shit. I don't give a damn anymore.
I just CAN'T anymore.
Not anymore.
So butcher or slaughter me if u want. ~can't feel no pain no more~
Hell, just condemn me if u will. ~makes no difference~
BUT UNTIL I GET IT DONE, NOT EVEN A SINGLE SOUL CAN LAY ME TO REST.

The chance lost and the regret.

2009-09-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

I hate regretting.
I really do.
I wish i'd stop doing stuff that'll make me regret.
But usually, it's the stuff that i didnt do that makes regretful.
And i totally hate that.

Last week was an example, heck it shouldnt even be an example; IT WAS NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yet, i miraculously did it. Again. Threw the chance away.
Dang.

And now i dont even know whether ANYTHING after this will ever be the same.
With my ever-restless mind going cuckoo, and not to mention this tasteless raya;
the noose is bound to see me sooner or later.

So, rub it in my face, please do so.
Anything's better than total silence and awaitment.

RAYA + $$ + FOOD!!! = somethin's missin....

2009-09-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

Aha.
Raya. Finally came huh? Whoppeee.
Damn, this isn't right.

For the first in raya history, ive lost my raya spirit.
Everything seems to be in place..... but something's not. And i don't know what it is.
DAMN.

Raya is here... check.
Duit raya....... check.
Baju raya...... check. CHECK.
Food........... check.
Family......... check.

If according to my logic, that all should be enough but.....
Why the hell am i feeling sooooooo restless?
Everything now feels...... hollow.
Food is pretty much tasteless.....
The people.... well same old same old....
Even the money..... well, lets just say ive missed something SO bad to make me even not care about it anymore.

Huh. So much for raya.

IM BACK WITH A VENGEANCE! (i think)

2009-09-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

Dudes/Dudettes

Its been a friggin long time since i crapped bout anything in here

and now im back

WITH VENGEANCE......not.

Now after 2 years of not writing, a lot of things have changed

my cycle of friends, my interest, lifesttyle; u name it

But never the less, i still remain the same as ever: still clueless and ever crapping about the unevitable

Hey some things never do change.

I guess start from my start here at IBT lah.

Rule Number #1: Unwind or Sidewind

Here it's just like what the rules says; unwind or get sidewinded.

The tonnes of shukudais that u get here DAILY is just like David vs Goliath; but u ain't no David, and the Goliath is in plural form.

You get stressed here with the slightest of ease; even a simple joke can be a factor to form a suicidal path.

And the senseis here ain't much of a help either.

But what you do to unwind doesnt really matter. As long you don't end up waking up sideways tomorrow, everything's fine by me.

Me; I do what I do best: Games and music.

But since just lost my mp4 lately, i've been quite paranoid over the class periods; the music is like hash to numb the pain.

Rule Number #2: Try to flavor the day

You wake up here every mornin to do only 2 things; memorizing the kanji and taking the kanji test. EVERYDAY.

Note that I bolded that last word. And when i actually BOLD something, I don't kid around kiddo.

So, to make dull things in the mornin overshadow everything later in gray, grab a bunch of Bunchos and start colouring.

Gods, I'd rather see any colour than the usual gray in the mornin.

That's why i HAD an 8 GIG mp4. But since i don't HAVE it anymore,I'm getting sicker by the day. But then, THANK GODS i have my W890i in my possession of remaining gadgets. Otherwise, there bus load would be lighter than the usual, you know.

Rule Number #3: You DESERVE your weekends.

Yep you do. Otherwise, you wouldnt make it through the first month at all.
Like me, I NEVER, EVER, EVER do work on the friday night AND the whole saturday.
And even sometimes, it doesn't feel like it's enough. Maybe it never does at all. Aw heck.

And that's that.
But i think even with enough guidelines created and followed, someday eventually the pressure will crush you.

Aaaa. no use in telling this to you guys anyways.
Gi dota lagi best. Ciao.

THE IV GUARDIANS : IGBEN

2008-03-25T09:20:00.001-07:00

MUH FRENS. REAL FRENS THEY ARE.

MR. NAGUIB.
A.K.A.
RAZERJIB.
2ND OF THE IV GUARDIANS.

Naguib.
Nice fella. Likes to play guitar and a master(as far i know) at DOTA WARCRAFT.
Known him since form 3.
Also likes masks.
Likes to talk crap like i do, only with much more sense in his.
Hates the Malays 'generally' though he is one. Says that, bcoz of Malays, corruption becomes a normal thing here in Malaysia.
Likes to brag about his problems, opposite of what normal people would do, which is to brag on their own strengths.
IN HIS MIND:

GIRL LOVE BAD BOYS..

He's a nice guy but somehow girls reject him. His theory is that all girls like "BAD" boys, and not the "GOOD" ones. Girls think that "GOOD" boys are wimps and nerds.

MALAYSIA SHOULD BE RULED WITH AN IRON CLAW.

Seeing Malaysia as a useless country, the nation should be run in dictatorship to progress says him. All HIV/ AIDS infected people, junkies, drug addicts, and troublemakers should be killed straight away, by the gun. Simple as that. then the goverment wouldnt waste so much money on rehab, prison, and the likes. Also, if he gets the HIV, he'll kill all the HIV/ AIDS people that are within his reach before he shoots himself. Yeah, real nice.

BANI, AZIM, NGAN SYAH NI GILER LAH.

Bani nie selekeh dengan janggut die tu. Aku potong kang nnti satu ari nnti baru taw. Lpas tu x abes2 ngan Ira die tu. HAHAHA.
Yang Syah ni pulak kpala x btol. Sbaik x selekeh macam Bani.
AZIM NI PULAK HAHA.....kpala mamat tu x btol lah sial lpas pkir dah lah giler2. Ni mesti sbab kpala otak die dh terer sangat maths smpai jadik macam tu skali. Aku tengok die dah lah nampak macam abang aku, ttinggal rambut Maggi aje. Mamat nie mesti nk lwan atau bantah ape benda yg aku ckap ataw buat tapi..... entah lah.

MR. BANY.
A.K.A.
SLASH.
3RD OF THE IV GUARDIANS.

Rabbani.
Also Known as Mr. Janggut.
Knew him since form 1.
Likes: his janggut, yngwie malmsteen, metallica, and makan.
Has this strange fascination of the name "IRA".
The most dependable person when comes to almost anything. ALMOST.
But be prepared with his GAY - ish acts and nonsense.
Also a crazy tapper(guitar).
Almost eats anything when it comes to food.
Loathes the chinese but, he's not a racist.
A fine guitarist. But......still needs to work on his tempo.
His Philosophies are:

NEVER BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT NAGUIB SAYS. JUST PARTIALLY.

He has known the ngib fella for like 4 years straight. Said, he knows all everything about him, his moves, his acts, and especially his TALL TALES. But, just go along with naguib and u'll be ok. Just don't believe him too much when he starts the storytelling.

JANGGUT, MISAI, AND I.

He never ever shaves his facial hair, especially his beard. Almost rarely. He believs that his facial hair is his "assets" or "secret weapon" when having a hunt on the girls. And the most surprising thing is, he rarely gets caught with the ACAI or ustaz. Only maybe 1-2 times a year. Hmmmm.

MR. XEON
A.K.A.
XENSHI.
4TH OF THE IV GUARDIANS.

Last but not least, Syah.
The most mysterious of em all.
Very unpredictable and yet somehow readable.
Not the typical kind of guy.
Has a HUGE fascination towards the number 555 and the XEON symbol.
Not a shy person, i can tell you that.
Likes: 555, Kamen Rider, 183 Club, Mysteriousness, Art.
A very skilled artist, yet so much still to learn.
As a result of various influences, his mind is a very complex to the outsider. But, he'll be a lot easier to figure out once u're friends with him.
Can be chaotic at times.
His WAYS OF ART are:

NEVER TRUST THE BILIK SENI / ART STUDIO. WAWASAN SIAL.

He was the first one to note this rule; never trust the art studio. Things usually get lost in here, and rarely found again.

ONE SHOULD NOT BE EASILY SATISFIED OF HIS ART. IT'S OK TO THROW AWAY YOUR WORK IF IT'S SCREWED.

This theory was rejected by our art's teacher, MAK, because she thinks that art shouldn't be wasted, no matter how silly it is. Well, Syah thinks it's the other way around, which is; waste your work how many times you want, rather have quality than volume. This is his way, i think.

MY FIRST BLOG. WHOPPEE.

2008-03-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hey.
Wassup?
Welcome to my first blog, dear anybody whose reading this.
Now before i tell u anythng. PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THIS PLEASE.

WHATEVER SHIT THAT I WILL OR WON'T WRITE MAY OR MAY NOT BE FULLY UNDERSTANDABLE OR EVEN MAKE SENSE AT ALL.
IT WILL MAKE U CONFUSE SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS AND SWELLS YOUR BRAIN AND MEDULLA OBLONGATA TO THE POINT IT WILL EVENTUALLY BLOW UP.
IN FACT, ANYTHING THAT I WRITE WILL MAKE SO MUCH NONSENSE THAT IT MAKES SENSE.
SO, FEEL FREE TO READ MY CRAPPY BLOG AND COMMENT IT. AND PLEASE DON'T ASK OR EXPECT ME TO FIX ANYTHNG THAT I WRITE PLEASE.
NOW, DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YA.

AHEM.
SHIT. ITS MY FIRST BLOG AND I GOT NO IDEA WHT TO SAY.
HMMMM....
THINKING....
AHA!
NO,NO,NO,NO,NO....
HMM.....
OH YEAH THERE IS ONE THING.....
MANCHESTER SUCKS!
FUCK U MAN U!
ALL HAIL THE ANTI-MAN U ALLIANCE!
PHEW!
THAT WAS A GREAT WAY TO START MY BLOG..
NOW WHAT ELSE.....
LET SEE...

OH YEAH, I LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE DONNNNNUUUUUTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSS!
ESPECIALLY THE ONE IN THE PICTURE.
DAMN NICE.
SWEET, SWWEEEETTTTT DONUTS!!!
WISH THERE WAS A DONUT FACTORY NEXT TO MY BED.
WISH THERE WAS A SUSHI MAKING FACTORY NEXT TO THE DONUT FACTORY AS WELL.
I LOOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEEEE UNAGI AND SALMON!!!!
THEN ILL BE REALLY FAT.
FAT ENOUGH TO MAKE MY BED CRASH DOWN.
FAT ENOUGH TO MAKE THE WHOLE 2ND FLOOR OF MY HOUSE COLLAPSE.
FAT....... ENOUGH.... TO... MAKE ME..... HARD TO BREATH.....
FATH....... ENUFF...... THHOOOOO...............UNHHHHHHH.........~CRASH~
FAAAAATTTTTTHHHH..........~THUD~
NAH, IM JUST KIDDING. WHO WANTS TO BE FAT ANYWAY?
NO OFFENSE BUT I DONT.

WELL, THERE U HAVE IT.
HEY SARAH, I HOPE UR READING THIS ONE.
OR MAYBE NOT.
MY FIRST OFFICIAL CRAPPY BLOG.
TA-DAH.
YAY.
YIPPEE.
WOOHOO.
HURRAY.
WHATEVER.
IM GNNA SLEEP.
CIAO
ADIOS
SAYONARA
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ............................